that I'm never going to get anywhere in my life. I'm not going to be a famous journalist. I'm not going to be that awesome daughter. Or even that beautiful wife, or caring mother. I don't believe I am capable of all these roles, and if I was at one time, I've learned to lose such capabilities. I waste my time in things/people that are short-term and temporary—I don't know realize that everything that I do affects me, is for me, and the time spent on other people, for whatever purposes, is ultimately not for me. But, I don't know when I'm going to accept this realization, learn from it, and change my ways. I really don't know if/when I'm going to change my ways. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm beginning to lose hope and faith in myself ... Will it be when Kevin, who like Javier, breaks up with me? Will I then realize I should've been concentrating on myself this whole time? Or will it be when my parents find out about everything that I am or aren't? Will I ever change, or better yet, go back to who I was? Does that Nadia still exist? Should she exist? Was she ever really Nadia?
I'm 22 now. In September, I'll be 23. Everything that I want—it's all in my head—nothing is in action. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting money. I'm wasting myself, everyday. Every second. Have I been this way from the start? Is it because of a guy, because of sex? My lies have gotten out of hand, they've become more elaborate, more creative, and less and less truthful. I've lied so much, and I am so tired of lying. I want things to be different, but I don't do anything different, so how can it even change?
I'm unsure when, and if, I should kill myself. I've screwed up too hard, too many places, to not. Time has been slipping and it will continue to.
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