why .?

I must ask

why?
porque?
perche?
KYU?

do people eat so loudly ... ? What is the significance of it? And why do they? Is it something physical—that has to do with their gross teeth, hideous tongue, and awful mouth? or is it something more emotional and mental—do they need to hear themselves? Does that make them all excited, to know that every piece is being chewed and eventually digested into their system? Are they really that insecure that they need to know?

Or do they just do it so people like ME, who are passive and unemployed, can write late night blog posts about their awful habits? Are they encouraging me to write? Do they really want me to blog that bad?

So does this mean they are, ultimately, writing angels, who awake all my senses, and force me to write? Is that what they are? Maybe.

I've come to the conclusion

that I'm never going to get anywhere in my life. I'm not going to be a famous journalist. I'm not going to be that awesome daughter. Or even that beautiful wife, or caring mother. I don't believe I am capable of all these roles, and if I was at one time, I've learned to lose such capabilities. I waste my time in things/people that are short-term and temporary—I don't know realize that everything that I do affects me, is for me, and the time spent on other people, for whatever purposes, is ultimately not for me. But, I don't know when I'm going to accept this realization, learn from it, and change my ways. I really don't know if/when I'm going to change my ways. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm beginning to lose hope and faith in myself ... Will it be when Kevin, who like Javier, breaks up with me? Will I then realize I should've been concentrating on myself this whole time? Or will it be when my parents find out about everything that I am or aren't? Will I ever change, or better yet, go back to who I was? Does that Nadia still exist? Should she exist? Was she ever really Nadia?

I'm 22 now. In September, I'll be 23. Everything that I want—it's all in my head—nothing is in action. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting money. I'm wasting myself, everyday. Every second. Have I been this way from the start? Is it because of a guy, because of sex? My lies have gotten out of hand, they've become more elaborate, more creative, and less and less truthful. I've lied so much, and I am so tired of lying. I want things to be different, but I don't do anything different, so how can it even change?

I'm unsure when, and if, I should kill myself. I've screwed up too hard, too many places, to not. Time has been slipping and it will continue to.

Bitchin'

It's February 2nd and I guess Mother Nature is going to give me my monthly reminder that I'm a woman and this may be TMI for some of you "readers," but I am going to bitch a lot right now. And you know what, it's not my fault. It's the other person's fault—actually it's everyone's fault. Everyone is ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, everyone around me is ridiculous, even the pet that I don't own is freaking ridiculous and inconsiderate, insensitive, and everything else that is the opposite of nice, kind, and thoughtful.

I don't know why people talk/text/call me when they don't even know how to be PEOPLE, they don't even know how to act like A HUMAN BEING. Further, they still have the audacity to attempt to hold a civilized conversation with me when they probably know that I am really annoyed at them and if it's not them, I'm probably pissed off at someone else.

SO WHY!? Why do you wanna talk to me and make yourself pretend that you're making me feel better!? You're probably the reason I'm pissed off right now. You're probably the reason WHY White Toberlone isn't regularly available in the United States, because YOU probably don't like white chocolate, and I'm the minority. You're the reason why I'm pretty much sitting here, bitchin', instead of writing creative fiction, at 3am. Maybe if you did things differently, chewed differently, talked differently, spoke to me differently, then maybe I wouldn't be so pissed off. I know no one is in charge of my happiness, but you know what people, sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's REALLY FUCKING SWEET if people were nice to you when you weren't feeling so nice, because guess what, not feeling nice all the goddamn time is a human emotion. But, of course, only HUMANS know about human emotions, and I don't live around humans—I live around mofos.

SIGH....well, this is nothing a few episodes of The Office can't solve..

SUCK IT. SUCK A TOOTSIE ROLL THAT WAS RUBBED ON THE TOILET SEAT OF AN NYC BATHROOM, YOU JERK.