Dreams — Fleetwood Mac

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrZRURcb1cM

After 23 years of existence, just realized this song and I guess I should be happy I even realized it; better late than never.

Makes me think....how many more am I missing?

Short Story: "Friday"

She had ransacked her brain to bits to show up on time for her 8:30am this morning. And even though she was running on no sleep, she had a grin on her face, ready for the day. It was the end of the week; the school-week, the business week, the week of productivity and work, and rest was about to arrive. She had just accomplished her few short term goals last night, and there was no reason for her to feel anything but content. She was ready for the 8 days of freedom and rest that were awaiting her. She wanted to get away from these buildings, its brown walls, the stairs, the chairs, the desks, the books, the people. She wanted a break and that's what she was getting in just 90 more minutes.

Bloodstream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3b1CDLsiGU

Wake up and look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hand upon my face
Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you
And haunts you

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then the silence surrounds you
And haunts you

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

The spaces in between
Two minds and all the places they have been
The spaces in between
I try to put my finger on it
I try to put my finger on it

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you floating in me

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nowadays, I've been living for those few moments of love, passion, & ecstasy—
granted, they are happiness for maybe the short-term, but they feel so amazing.

Sometimes, when we're going about our day, engrossed in everything we're supposed to be doing, we easily forget how strongly someone leaves a part of themselves with us. Or rather, how much we leave ourselves with them.

 -n

Waste—

"My parents have since divorced (believe me parents divorcing when you are an adult is no easier than having them divorce when you are a child ... especially when there is 'another woman' involved. Because you are an adult you are not shielded form any of the sordid little secrets as you would have been if you were a child; you are not protected from the screaming matches or the crying or the utter despair, the hurt and the depression.  You are put in the middle of it all and made to take sides. My little brother was 6 years younger than me. He was protected. It sent me into a deep depression. I just wish my Dad would have had the guts to end it all sooner [...]"

It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know that most of us, in any corner of the world, go through the same exact thing.

Source

Mi Amor—

Becoming so attached—so intertwined—so obsessed—with your touch
your smell, your smile.
The way you tongue rests on your lip for that one second; the way you look from the corner of your eye;
the way the crease around your mouth widens; the subtle dimples that hide behind your rugged hair.

Falling into your arms—your neck—and then your chest, attaching myself to your being.

You've become so much more important than you are, than you seem to be, than you should be.

Distracted from Death

I am so devastated. If there's one thing almost all of us have to deal with our lives at least once in our lives, it's death. And the worst  part is, no one will teach you enough about it, how to cope with it, how to accept it, and what to make of it — you just have to figure it out all on your own. No matter how many degrees you have, if you're the CEO of a company, or if you've reached the ultimate level of spirituality, there's something unsettling about coming face to face with our mortality. And wondering what your loved one's soul is going through over — and over — and over — and over again.

Two months & ten days ago, I lost my uncle. And my cousin, who is nothing less than my sister, lost her father.  I can never imagine how she felt, I may one day, but the fact that someone I love so dearly lost someone who was such a large part of her life, has just broken my heart. Today, I found out my sis-in-law (truthfully my 'ex' sis in law)'s mother passed away early this morning. I can't even fathom what she's going through right now, I may one day as well, but once again, someone I love so dearly has lost the only person she really had in this isolated world. Even worse, our relationship was so strained the last few months of her life, that I didn't even have the opportunity to make amends. The most heartbreaking part of all this is that this time last year, we didn't even think we'd be losing these two people in our lives. I mean, do you ever think that? Why would you even think that?

However, the reason I'm actually writing this right now is because I've been walking around, acting, talking, sleeping, laughing like none of these things have happened...I've been distracting myself soo well. I guess working 9 hours Monday-Friday helps a lot as well. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing —I guess writing about it helps when I'm distracting myself in the day-to-day life. But, I do know at the end of the day, that this just sucks. I guess I have not reached the levels of spirituality, reality, acceptance taught by Buddhism, that everything we cherish we will lose....it's not sad, but it's the truth, and from knowing the truth, you will grow and move on.

But at 22, this truth really freaking hurts.

Not there yet,

N.

Whoa :O

Tomorrow I'll be ending my first full week of "work," plus three days from last week. And yes, I am employed; it's so weird and happened so awfully fast. Ever since I've started 'working,' I've realized so many things about so many things. It's not like I didn't know some of these things before, but now I see them from different perspectives.

However, most things haven't changed. For example: Time. It's still going by so goddamn fast, not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure the things I'm doing right now are the right things, or the best things for me, or the worst. I really don't know, and I wish I knew if I was or not. I guess that's the challenge for a lot of people, and overall, our lives. Are we wasting our times or utilizing it? Are we really doing the things we want, or are we just following what everyone around us have shown us?

Sorry, I dwell in these rhetorical thoughts once a month.

—N

For the Beyonce Hater

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy9W_mrY_Vk

I love music. And if you're someone like me who appreciates, adores, and enjoys every ounce of every rhythm, beat, and word, I think you will agree that Beyonce has depreciated in her quality as a songstress. I will admit, however, that she does have good genes (especially that hourglass figure, ow!). So if you're looking for a new song that might have the best combination of dance, soul, words, simplicity, and uniqueness, check out my recommendation.

why .?

I must ask

why?
porque?
perche?
KYU?

do people eat so loudly ... ? What is the significance of it? And why do they? Is it something physical—that has to do with their gross teeth, hideous tongue, and awful mouth? or is it something more emotional and mental—do they need to hear themselves? Does that make them all excited, to know that every piece is being chewed and eventually digested into their system? Are they really that insecure that they need to know?

Or do they just do it so people like ME, who are passive and unemployed, can write late night blog posts about their awful habits? Are they encouraging me to write? Do they really want me to blog that bad?

So does this mean they are, ultimately, writing angels, who awake all my senses, and force me to write? Is that what they are? Maybe.

I've come to the conclusion

that I'm never going to get anywhere in my life. I'm not going to be a famous journalist. I'm not going to be that awesome daughter. Or even that beautiful wife, or caring mother. I don't believe I am capable of all these roles, and if I was at one time, I've learned to lose such capabilities. I waste my time in things/people that are short-term and temporary—I don't know realize that everything that I do affects me, is for me, and the time spent on other people, for whatever purposes, is ultimately not for me. But, I don't know when I'm going to accept this realization, learn from it, and change my ways. I really don't know if/when I'm going to change my ways. Maybe. Maybe not. I'm beginning to lose hope and faith in myself ... Will it be when Kevin, who like Javier, breaks up with me? Will I then realize I should've been concentrating on myself this whole time? Or will it be when my parents find out about everything that I am or aren't? Will I ever change, or better yet, go back to who I was? Does that Nadia still exist? Should she exist? Was she ever really Nadia?

I'm 22 now. In September, I'll be 23. Everything that I want—it's all in my head—nothing is in action. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting money. I'm wasting myself, everyday. Every second. Have I been this way from the start? Is it because of a guy, because of sex? My lies have gotten out of hand, they've become more elaborate, more creative, and less and less truthful. I've lied so much, and I am so tired of lying. I want things to be different, but I don't do anything different, so how can it even change?

I'm unsure when, and if, I should kill myself. I've screwed up too hard, too many places, to not. Time has been slipping and it will continue to.

Bitchin'

It's February 2nd and I guess Mother Nature is going to give me my monthly reminder that I'm a woman and this may be TMI for some of you "readers," but I am going to bitch a lot right now. And you know what, it's not my fault. It's the other person's fault—actually it's everyone's fault. Everyone is ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, everyone around me is ridiculous, even the pet that I don't own is freaking ridiculous and inconsiderate, insensitive, and everything else that is the opposite of nice, kind, and thoughtful.

I don't know why people talk/text/call me when they don't even know how to be PEOPLE, they don't even know how to act like A HUMAN BEING. Further, they still have the audacity to attempt to hold a civilized conversation with me when they probably know that I am really annoyed at them and if it's not them, I'm probably pissed off at someone else.

SO WHY!? Why do you wanna talk to me and make yourself pretend that you're making me feel better!? You're probably the reason I'm pissed off right now. You're probably the reason WHY White Toberlone isn't regularly available in the United States, because YOU probably don't like white chocolate, and I'm the minority. You're the reason why I'm pretty much sitting here, bitchin', instead of writing creative fiction, at 3am. Maybe if you did things differently, chewed differently, talked differently, spoke to me differently, then maybe I wouldn't be so pissed off. I know no one is in charge of my happiness, but you know what people, sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's REALLY FUCKING SWEET if people were nice to you when you weren't feeling so nice, because guess what, not feeling nice all the goddamn time is a human emotion. But, of course, only HUMANS know about human emotions, and I don't live around humans—I live around mofos.

SIGH....well, this is nothing a few episodes of The Office can't solve..

SUCK IT. SUCK A TOOTSIE ROLL THAT WAS RUBBED ON THE TOILET SEAT OF AN NYC BATHROOM, YOU JERK.

Don't be Sad

"Our tragedy is that we are incapable of dealing with the present: neglecting our beautiful castles, we wail over dilapidated buildings. If every man and every jinn were to try jointly to bring back the past, they would most certainly fail. Everything on earth marches forward, preparing for a new season and so should you."

~ this quote refers to a very significant chapter in the Islamic book, Don't be Sad by Dr. 'A'id al-Qarni. It refers to the past, and it's toxic effects, if one lets it get that far. I know this firsthand, for the past haunts me everyday, every instant. Even simple things that happened the week before, or the day of, but didn't go the way I'd like them to, eat me up inside and out. However, I'm attempting everyday to change this awful habit; reiterating phrases like, "it's water under the bridge," "It's the past," help once in a while. Reading this particular section in Don't be Sad certainly helped, because it goes into detail the differences between someone who allows the past to haunt and hinder them, and those who do not allow it to. It's helped me, maybe it may help some other reminiscent junkies like me.

The past should only serve for historical purposes, and happy reminiscent moments. Let's try to keep it that way.

Carpe Diem is popular for a reason,

Nadia

Quatro

Well, my 3rd day is FIN. It's been FIN for about 25 minutes now, and day 4 has begun. Surprisingly, it was not AS torturous as I had earlier posted it to be; it was more up and down, where I was feeling fairly good, and then I realized how shitty not eating is! Lol, I don't think I've ever explicitly expressed how "CRAPPY" (pun intended there. I know, I'm so not ladylike), I feel these early days. Probably because the other two times I did this cleanse, I was busy during the semester, so I didn't really have time to sit down and moan and groan and bitch about the ridiculous things I do.

I probably spent a total of 4 hours (divided throughout the day) on Pinterest. It's obviously the BEST SOCIAL NETWORK EVER MADE IN HUMANITY, but if you look at my "Because I'm a Size 0" board, you will clearly see that I lost my mind on Day 3 of the MC (not MC Hammer). Well, whatever it was, I cannot wait to make, bake, grill, cook, fry, taste, and devour all the NEW RECIPES I FOUND TODAY! OMG!

My most anticipated recipe: MONKEY BREAD!! OO OO AHH AHH ... Yes, I have lost it. You will too, my friends, you will too.

Until another moment,

http://pinterest.com/nadzkadz/

Tres

Today is day three. Three is my favorite number, but I know today is going SUCK SO MUCH. I already don't wanna finish my salt water flush, it feels terrible and I feel terrible. I don't wanna do anything and I don't want to function today. But, I've lost all discipline in my life so maybe I need to keep. Going.


Ugggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dos

Well, today I finished my second day of the master cleanse. Technically, it's after 12 so this would mean I'm starting my 3rd day. Regardless, it was torture. I pretty much ate 45 bananas through my brain and my head has been hurting for awhile now. It's freezing outside, about 18 degrees F, so I haven't even stepped out of the house all day/night. It's been fairly torturous and I don't like anyone,really. Especially those who eat loudly in my house.....oh my god. Well, I've got 8 adorable days left, and on a side note, this is the first time I'm blogging from my ipad. ;-) mad cute and shit.

Also, I've been freezing to death all day, and I think drinking this lemonade is contributing to it. It's funny how whenever I have thought about the master cleanse in the past, it's always pretty positive. I know it was hard and required commitment, but its like my brain only latches on to how good I left in the end --not reminding me how painful it is too! Ahh well, this too shall pass.

Till manyana,

Nadia

Uno

Today was the first day of my Master Cleanse. This year, I'm doing it with my cousin, so I have some "support," or maybe I am someone else's "support." I almost broke my cleanse probably 45 times today, but I didn't... I guess that's good. 

9 days left ._.

In My room

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE7ZrSjiRtw

Heard this song in the movie, "We Need To Talk About Kevin," that I watched tonight. I freaking love it. The song (which is so very painfully short), and the movie. It's a pretty intense, crazy movie, especially if you know/care/like/love/hate anyone named Kevin, or better yet—if that's your name.

Watch it.

And then sit in your room and contemplate on why some of the best songs are so short. Why?

—N

Hiatus—

I've taken a long hiatus, that I'm not proud of. I assume they are usually good news, or taken for self-reflection. However, mine was unnecessary and I must apologize to the other Nadia inside of me, who should probably stop being so passive, and get ahold of her vida.